21/12/2024
Preface: I am not knowledgeable about places in Chicago, and some of the following assumptions/statements may be incorrect. If you're from Chicago, sorry in advance.
On August 30th 2022, aspiring online comedian snotwurst AKA "Judd Crud" posted a video to twitter satirizing the inauthentic showiness of influencers' stereotypical weekend recaps, which are usually created primarily to give off the appearance of living a more exciting/productive life than they actually are. If you used twitter in 2022 you almost certainly saw the post when it went viral (link).
A staggering number of absurd things happen in this video (we're going to act as if it actually happened), with the main overarching joke being Crud doing an outrageous, nigh impossible number of things over the course of just 3 days. (we'll come back to this later). Here's a list of just some of the things that happen:
When I first saw the video my main thought was "Wow, this would be an insane amount of money to spend on one weekend. wait was that dog floating" but after seeing a meme referencing the video two years later and recalling it, I began to wonder if it was actually physically possible to visit all the places and do all the things mentioned in the video, in one weekend. If it's not possible, how close can we get if we wanted to experience this weekend ourselves? And of course, if you were to do that, how much would it cost? Thus begun the task of noting down and looking up two dozen locations across the city of Chicago, because quite clearly this is the ideal way to live.
Immediately upon inspecting the video one of my main suspicions was confirmed: Most of the clips in it weren't filmed by Crud but were instead taken from various other Chicago vlogs (as evidenced by the occasionally visible cut-off tiktok handles). Making matters more complicated is that the narration appears to be improvised from the content of the clips it's Frankenstein'd from; I noticed once I started looking up the places mentioned that the ones with names visible in the video are real places but the rest aren't, they're probably completely made up (for example, part of the video mentions getting "reservations at HideSeek for their alpana", although Alpana isn't actually a dish but the name of a food place). This poses an immediate problem to the idea of replicating the weekend in real life: You can't visit a made up restaurant, and the places shown in the video won't work as substitutes because most of them don't show enough identifying information to be located (unless you're a Chicago restaurant expert, in which case let me know). In these cases, for the purpose of our recreation we will allow any food place in the mentioned area as a stand-in and just estimate the cost of the mentioned food.
Another obstacle to recreating the weekend is that Crud is implied (and at one point directly claims) to be driving between all these places himself despite the frequent consumption of alcohol. Thus, workarounds will be required to be able to accomplish the weekend without drunk driving a dozen times. One of the clips shows the cameraperson riding a bicycle; This may work for some of the shorter trips (luckily Chicago has rentable bikes and scooters), but as you'll soon see a lot of the places are too far away for this to be time effective. Public transit is also an option, although this doesn't really fit the spirit of the video and also probably won't get you to every place. The remaining options are to walk (only viable between very close places), take a bunch of ubers (which is super expensive, but then again so is everything in this video) or have a friend drive you around, although good luck finding a friend who will drive you to two dozen places without getting drunk themselves.
So, here's the map of what are seemingly all of the actually real places in the central city:
Some notes:
However, not every place we need to visit is this close. The mysterious food place in Lincoln Park, Roscoe Village (where Ben's performance was), Golden Nugget and the transmission shop are all about 10-to-20-minute drives away. In addition, the Medieval Times and Legoland are both located in Schaumberg, which can take anywhere from 30 to 60 minutes to reach depending on traffic.
Luckily that's still not too bad. This is looking pretty doable! But there is still one major issue: The two hikes on the final day.
There are a few small forests around the city that appear similar to the second clip, but the big hitch is the snowy mountain; There isn't any place remotely like that anywhere near Chicago. Illinois is the second-flattest state in the U.S. (behind Florida, and even more flat than the notoriously flat Kansas), and the state gets light snow but not in August when the video was created. Since I can't be sure when and where exactly that clip was filmed, we'll have to make a judgement call about where to go for a similar experience. The closest hiking place that has steep mountains and a similar climate to the clip would probably be the Rockies, specifically somewhere around Montana, although even there snow is thin in August, so the weekend would have to be at a different time of year from the video. If we were looking to see if the video was theoretically possible in August 2022 we'd probably have to look all the way up in Canada somewhere, but for our recreation this should be fine.
So now comes the task of scheduling a trip to Montana and back in one day. Luckily there are non-stop flights from Chicago to cities in the Rockies (I'm working with Bozeman, Montana) that take just over 3 hours each way. Including the drive to/from the airport in Chicago, departure/arrival times, and the ~20-minute drive to the mountains nearby, the total travel time both ways will probably be around... 10 hours. This leaves almost no time for the second hike, the apology letters, the friendsgiving, the two comedy shows and the aioli which also have to be done on the same day... This means we'll have to compromise. Chicago does get snow in winter, which means the snowy hike would be possible in a non-mountainous area near the city, although you'll still have to travel away for the second hike if you want to stay true to the lack of snow in that clip. Or, we could just ignore the visuals and take two hikes in Chicago. Let's just do that instead, it's what Crud would do.
We should have enough now to build our schedule for our recreation weekend, so you too can now live the exciting lifestyle of a 28-year-old in Chicago!
8:00 AM - Wake up and drink a Guru
I have never heard of Guru and I have no idea how it tastes. Bonus points if it's mental awareness day at your company. Cost: $2
9:00 AM - Brunch (Bring a female friend)
Any location is fine. If possible, get chicken and waffles and have a few drinks. Cost: ~$18
11:00 AM - Kayak the Chicago River (Bring a female friend)
Rent a kayak for an hour. Cost: $30
12:30 PM - Field Museum (Bring a female friend)
Price is based on basic admission for a Chicago resident. If you're from out of state it will cost $30. The all-access pass costs $34 but you won't have that much time anyway. Cost: $21
2:30 PM - Drinks and Vibes (Bring the same friend)
Located at Texan Taco Bar at 942 West Randolph St. Get tacos and drinks. The online menu doesn't list prices sadly, so I'm estimating. Texan Taco Bar does not sell margarita towers... Make sure to buy a regular margarita instead. Cost: ~$35
4:00 PM - Buy a new transmission for your 4Runner (Optional)
Located at Nu Way Transmissions at 1032 North California Ave. 4Runner not required, any car can be used. I had no idea transmissions were this expensive! Probably don't do this unless you need to anyway. Cost: ~$4,000
4:40 PM - Go home and chill a little
You probably even have enough time to take a nap if you skipped the transmission. Cost: free :)
5:00 PM - See Bill Maher at the Chicago Theatre
Statistically Bill Maher will probably not be performing on whatever day you do this. If possible, try to attend some other show. Comedy shows usually occur around 5PM and 7PM, but if you can't get a 5PM one you can skip this. You will need to leave early to make it to Medieval Times. Cost: ~$130
7:00 PM - Medieval Times (Bring at least three friends)
Located at 2001 North Roselle Rd. Usually does its latest show at 7PM, so this will need to be done before the other stuff unlike in the video. Leave early again! Cost: $75
9:00 PM - Tequila shots (Bring two female friends)
Any location is fine. Bonus points if you can find the location that serves them in ice glasses like the video. You probably aren't friends with Lindsey Jacobellis, so any friends are okay. Buy a regular margarita if you can't get a marg tower. Be fast, you're on a tight schedule! Cost: ~$30
9:45 PM - Another meal (Bring the same friends)
Any location is fine. Bonus points if you can find the location that supposedly sells stuffed pineapple and snow crab. Cost: ~$35
11:00 PM - Brow brow
wtf is a brow brow you know what don't even do this one Cost: ???
11:00 PM - Rose Mary for small bites (Bring the friends from Medieval Times)
Located at 932 West Fulton St. 11PM is the latest you can reserve here, hence the rush. If possible, try to get the three dishes shown in the video. Get drinks too! Cost: ~$80
Notes: It seems the events in the video aren't feasible in order, but out of order they just barely work. You will need to leave multiple places early to make the schedule.
7:00 AM - Wake up and take your dog for a waltz
Bonus points if you find cicada skin. Double bonus points if your dog can float. Cost: free :)
8:00 AM - Another Guru
yeah. Cost: $2
8:30 AM - Golden Nugget
Located at 2406 West Diversey Ave. Get the pork chops & eggs. Cost: $20
10:00 AM - Museum of Ice Cream (Bring a female friend)
Located at 435 North Michigan Ave. Get a sugary drink there. Cost: $30
11:15 AM - Italian hoagies (With the same friend)
Make pesto aioli and put it on some italian hoagies. Cost: ~$25 (for the ingredients)
11:45 PM - Play Zathura (With the same friend)
The actual game has magic properties and does not exist in real life. You can buy a replica if you want, but it's apparently pretty lame so you can just play some other short board game that you own instead. The video says "a couple of rounds" but we don't have that sort of time. Cost: free :)
12:30 PM - World's largest Starbucks (Bring the same friend)
Located at 646 Michigan Ave. Get the cinnamon roll and a coffee. Cost: ~$14
1:30 PM - Museum of Ice Cream (again) (Bring two friends)
Cost: $30
2:30 PM - Museum of Ice Cream (again) (again) (Bring a female friend)
Make sure to get a marg tower (or just a regular margarita) before thie one. This time it's a dessert date. Cost: ~$35
3:15 PM - Another meal (Bring the same friend)
Any location is fine. Get at least two plates of food. Be quick! The next place is about a 30-40 minute drive away. Cost: ~$40
4:30 PM - Legoland (Bring your girlfriend)
Located at 601 North Martingale Rd. Get basic admission tickets. Moved earlier in the schedule because 4:30 is the latest you can check in on Saturdays. Cost: $23
5:45 PM - Alpana (Bring a female friend)
Located at 831 North State St. The original video says to "book reservations at HideSeek for their alpana" but HideSeek doesn't exist anymore and Alpana is a place, so you're going to Alpana instead! Cost: ~$50
6:45 PM - Tanta (Bring the same friend)
Located at 118 West Grand Ave. The "Lando" Crud claims to have in the video doesn't seem to exist on the menu (unless it's a joke I don't understand). This is a lot of food in a short time span! Cost: ~$50
7:45 PM - Go home and chill a little
Cost: free :)
8:00 PM - Rooftop movie
I have no idea when or where to go for this. The video shows it at daytime but that's not possible with this schedule. Maybe just skip this one. Cost: ???
8:00 PM - Stop at Target
Any Target is fine, Chicago has a lot. You don't actually have to buy anything, it's up to you. Cost: whatever you want to spend
8:20 PM - Drinks (Bring a friend)
Any location is fine, but if possible try to get slush shots. Cost: ~$2
8:40 PM - Stop at Target (again)
Cost: whatever you want to spend
9:00 PM - Another meal (Bring at least two friends)
Any location is fine. Get four plates of food and a drink, if you can have that much. Bonus points if you can find a place that has pizza, salad, stir-fry and pasta. Double bonus points if it's your friend's 45th birthday. Cost: ~$100
10:15 PM - Acoustic set + flute performance
Let's be honest, you probably won't be able to find either of these at this time. If you can, go to it! If not, you can move the following things forward. Cost: free (probably)
11:00 PM - "Dinner" (Bring at least one friend)
Any location is fine, but close to Lincoln Park would be easier. Bonus points if you can find the location that supposedly has cheeseburger egg rolls, hummus and tacos. Cost: ~$60
12:00 PM - Marg towers at Lincoln Park (Bring the same friends)
Any location in Lincoln Park is fine. Buy two regular margaritas if you can't get two marg towers. Cost: ~$10
12:45 PM - Teach guitar online
Oh my God it's way too late to be doing this. Try to find a friend who will take guitar lessons in the middle of the night. And don't be too loud. Cost: free :)
1:30 PM - Watch Trumbo
Do not watch the full movie if you want to get a decent amount of sleep. Cost: free :)
Notes: This schedule was even more difficult to fit. A few things had to be cut/rearranged again. If the rooftop movie had to be jammed in there too I think the whole thing would explode like a pressure vessel.
8:00 AM - Wake up and go to T.J. Maxx in Pilsen (Bring two friends)
Not actually in Pilsen. Located at 1008 South Canal St. You don't actually have to buy anything, it's up to you. Cost: whatever you want to spend
9:30 AM - Go for a hike (Bring your wife and husband)
I've chosen Busse Woods for this hike since it's the closest thing to the city that's kind of a hiking place. Right next to Legoland in Schaumberg. Cost: free :)
11:00 AM - Apology letters
Rank every girl you know on a scale from 1 to 10 and write apology letters to the sub-fours. This is kind of sad. Cost: free :(
12:30 PM - Yet another marg tower
Buy a regular margarita if you can't get a marg tower. Cost: ~$5
1:30 PM - Go for a hike (again) (Bring a female friend)
Same place as the other hike. Cost: free :)
3:00 PM - Friendsgiving (At a female friend's condo)
I guess this is kind of like thanksgiving but with friends and also at a random time of the year? Make sure to play some VR and make hot dogs while you're there. Cost: free (unless you have to buy some of the food)
5:00 PM - Back-to-back comedy shows
Hopefully you do this on a day that has shows at both 5PM and 7PM. Or maybe you can find shows that aren't at the Chicago Theatre. Cost: ~$160
9:00 PM - Make aioli again
A perfect way to end the night. And I guess that was your weekend! Cost: free (you probably still have the aioli ingredients from last time)
Notes: This one works out nicely! As long as you don't try to go to Montana (or some other place out of state) for one of the hikes.
Additional costs: Gas costs of ~$50 (or Uber costs of like $500), and puking from the insane amount of food and drinks you had on Friday and Saturday will cost you whatever happiness you experienced doing all of this
Total cost: ~$456 (Friday) + ~$491 (Saturday) + ~$165 (Sunday) + ~$50 (Gas) = ~$1,162 (plus ~$4,000 if you bought a new transmission)
The total cost was a lot less than I thought it would be, all things considered (although it's a conservative estimate). If the average young Millennial in Chicago is having weekends even close to this (as many vloggers seem to claim they're doing), I no longer envy them like I foolishly did before I wrote all this. We create our own demons; Sometimes they take the form of self-deprecation over missed opportunities and sometimes they take the form of five margarita towers in one weekend to uphold the facade that your life is interesting. The pesto aioli hoagies are definitely a good idea though, so that's what I'm going to be doing this weekend.